


woven by life and death

by Mia_Zeklos



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Deruning, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 08:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13267956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: By the time he actually voiced it, the thought had been consuming Jace’s mind for weeks on end.





	woven by life and death

**Author's Note:**

> I got a request for a fic in which Jace and Alec are in a relationship and get caught. This is that fic. The only additional notes I can think of it about Brother Zachariah - it _is_ canon that the Inquisitor was against Jace and Alec becoming parabatai and that Brother Zachariah fought for them to be able to do it anyway, although it's as of yet unclear why that was. Title taken from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3MrtMJP6Jo).
> 
> Also! This is officially my first fic of 2018, so Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you enjoy it and feedback is always welcome!

Although Jace was aware that the temperature wasn’t actually changing, he felt as if it was getting colder by the second.

They would be called soon enough, he knew. No matter how much Brian Penrose – the newly appointed head of the New York Institute and the last person Jace had seen before he’d been thrown into his cell – would have liked to keep them here and draw this out as much as possible, the Silent Brothers had scheduled the trial for today and had been rather persistent about it. Jace had the sneaking suspicion that it was out of pity more than any real urgency; even if none of them had ever been in quite the same situation, he knew that a decent portion of them had had parabatai. They understood better than anyone else possibly could.

Jace flinched. Even thinking of the bond hurt now and that was what stung the most: the only solace he had was also the reason they were here.

Wordlessly, without a warning, he reached through the bars of his cell, his hand finding Alec’s in the space between. The gesture brought a faint smile to his lips despite everything – they’d separated them after their imprisonment in the hopes of keeping them apart. It had been a futile effort; no matter what happened today, that was the one thing that no one would ever be able to achieve.

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**New York, seven years ago**

By the time he actually voiced it, the thought had been consuming Jace’s mind for weeks on end.

He wasn’t sure where it had come from. He was perfectly content with the relationship he had with Alec as it was, and yet the idea that maybe there was meant to be _more_ to it – something that they could easily have if only they reached for it and took it – wouldn’t leave him alone.

It wouldn’t be too difficult. While they weren’t exactly secretive about their relationship, there was no concrete proof that could be held against them and no one outside of New York knew anything about them, so Jace hadn’t counted that as a possible problem when considering the proposal he’d just made. It had only occurred to him that Alec might think of that when he stiffened in his arms, the reaction immediate and almost startling.

“What?” Even his voice sounded strangled and his hold around Jace had loosened, prompting him to look up and meet his eyes.

“I want you to be my parabatai.” He didn’t sound as self-assured as he had been the first time around, but he could still be convincing. Or so he hoped. “Can you imagine? Everyone knows that once we’re approved to plan our own missions, we’ll be the best team this Institute has. And if we’re parabatai—”

“Jace, stop.” Alec pulled himself up until he was leaning back against the headboard. “Where did this come from? You _know_ we can’t do that.”

“Why not? Alec, come on,” he coaxed while trying to settle into their new position. They were still naked, pressed chest to chest as Jace placed his hand on Alec’s shoulder in a casual caress. _This_ was what had convinced him that they would make a great parabatai pair; the easy intimacy between them and the realisation that they would always be better together than they were apart. They had been doing this for long enough now, far longer than anyone would have likely expected and it felt far too natural by now for him to see it as anything but that. A parabatai bond had recently started seeming like the obvious next step. “It would only make everything _better_.”

Alec looked him straight in the eye, but didn’t move. “You know what that would mean, right?” His hand – resting on the small of Jace’s back until now – ventured up to the side of his neck and Jace leant into the caress subconsciously, still painfully aware of every word coming out of Alec’s mouth. “We can’t be together anymore, it’s forbidden.”

“We’d have to hide it better,” Jace nodded. “But it’s not like we flaunt it in people’s faces anyway. I’m not letting you go,” he added, rising up on his elbows to come close enough for a kiss. “If we become parabatai, I want it to be just an enhancement to what we already have.”

Alec’s expression softened and he reached up to tangle his fingers in Jace’s hair. “I’ll think about it. It’s just— too many risks.”

“It’s forbidden because romantic relationships can get messy, right?” Try as he might, Jace couldn’t hide his scepticism at the prospect. “And we already know that it can’t get messy for _us_. If you think about it, we’re as safe as we can get.”

“If you say so.” Alec was smiling, seemingly despite himself. “I told you, I’ll think about it. Give me until tomorrow.”

Jace beamed back. He had it in him to wait, especially since he knew Alec well enough to be able to guess what the answer would be. “Of course.”

*******

Not long after that, they’d already started their first tests. If the various Clave members who’d assessed them already were to be trusted, they were a match made in heaven Jace was beside himself with excitement and even Alec’s ever-present wariness towards the proceedings couldn’t diminish that. He could tell that his soon-to-be parabatai was looking forward to it too in his own way, but it wasn’t the same for him; the fact that they were breaking the law to have this affecting him more than he would ever admit.

Even if he kept quiet, it was impossible for Jace to ignore some of the changes taking place. Alec was more distant now, constantly reminding him of their need to be careful and while Jace understood and respected that, it still felt like too much. Ever since they’d got together, Alec had always caved under his touch, softening under his kisses and relaxing in a way that he could never accomplish with anybody else. It had made Jace proud before, to be able to achieve what no one else could, but now every attempt at intimacy seemed to bring Alec even more anxiety, making him stand even more on edge than he already was.

It hurt. And it made their not too frequent meetings somewhere in the mundane parts of the city all the more frantic; every kiss and touch and caress heavy with a new meaning and a new responsibility. It was frustrating and yet, when Alec had asked him if he really wanted to go through with the ceremony – or, alternatively, with their relationship – Jace’s answer had been affirmative. It was worth it, he was sure of that. _They_ were worth it.

“I love you.” Jace pressed the words against Alec’s lips with every urgent kiss. “ _All_ of you, body and soul. Don’t make me choose which one I want to give up, because I _can’t_.”

“I know,” Alec always answered, soothing any doubt Jace had ever had about that. He did know, Jace was sure of it; Alec knew him about as well as he knew himself and the fact that he agreed so quickly to his theory that they were made to be parabatai was _telling_ – despite his objections, he was just as aware of the connection between them.

When they finally sealed their bond, Jace had expected to be ecstatic and ready to celebrate the occasion – he’d waited long enough, after all – but he was neither of those things. All he actually felt was a bone-deep happiness; his sudden, new insight into Alec’s soul just as powerful as he’d expected it to be. Their runes were still hot from their steles when Alec rose to his feet and looked him in the eye and Jace brought him forward into a hug, just narrowly avoiding the kiss he’d actually wanted from him. Was it always going to be like this? He had no one to ask, and he had a feeling that he wouldn’t like the answer anyway.

But they were worth it. Jace repeated it to himself like a mantra while their bond pulled them even closer together, binding them in a way he already knew he would never find the words for.

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Alec looked far worse than the last time Jace had seen him.

But then again, the last time Jace had seen him, Alec had been _happy_. He’d been laughing at something Jace had said and already leaning down for another kiss, short and sweet and over before it had really begun as Alec had been wrenched away from him.

Everything after that was a blur. Jace himself had been captured moments later and he’d had just enough time to see Alec’s expression shift into one of unadulterated shock before his captors dragged him away. He’d caught a glimpse of his parabatai when they’d been pushed into their respective cells and his face had already been covered by bruises, but he hadn’t expected anything of this magnitude.

Despite the guard’s assistance, Alec’s body was far too rigid even for him and while his restraints could be partially blamed for that, there was more to it. He’d resisted too much during his arrest and Jace had done the same, but they’d managed to neutralise him sooner by activating his _Sleep_ rune. As its effect had snuck up on Jace, he’d seen Alec still try to fight the Shadowhunters who were holding him and it showed. His right eye was almost completely closed, a clear reminder of someone’s fist in his face, and his movements were stiff, as if every step caused him pain.

“We need to wait.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but the sudden, overwhelming fear of what was to come had made the decision for him.

“Wait for what?” Sylas Whitelaw, the man who’d been assigned as his escort for the trial, looked uncomfortable enough as it was and the sudden protest seemed to throw him off even more. They’d never been friends, but they’d known each other for years and that made the entire proceedings worse to bear than he’d anticipated. “We need to be in the Hall of the Angel in ten minutes.”

“I don’t think Alec’s strong enough to get through the portal,” Jace protested, lowering his voice even more. He couldn’t trust anyone here, but there were still people he could talk to more freely. “No one’s treated his wounds; he’s too weak.”

“He’ll have to manage it,” Sylas cut him off. “We’ve got a schedule to follow.”

Jace found himself being pushed through the portal before he could respond and Alec followed soon after. He’d managed to stay conscious somehow, but it wasn’t much of a victory – he looked even more exhausted than before and Jace reached for him led by instinct more than anything else. If he could only get his hands on a stele—

Alec’s guard pulled him away roughly just before he could reach him, lips curling into a cruel smile. He was one of Penrose’s men and he loved nothing more than fulfilling the job he’d been sent here to do – namely, making sure that Alec didn’t get any ideas about trying to break free – with a sadistic sort of attention to detail.

Alec had to have noticed, but he didn’t let it show. He smiled instead, the blood dripping from his split lip only serving to make Jace’s heart clench in silent sympathy yet again. Even now, when they were both malnourished and too tired to really try and focus on their bond, it was still there, strong as ever, making sure that everything they couldn’t say to each other was passed along anyway. _We’ll get through this_.

“It’ll be fine,” Alec said, voice quiet but still determined, his eyes fixed on Jace alone despite his escort’s reprimands that they were supposed to stay apart. “You have nothing to worry about.”

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**Alicante, four years ago**

Alec groaned when his back hit the mattress and Jace silenced the complaint he could feel coming with another kiss. He hadn’t meant to jump his parabatai the moment the door of their room closed behind their backs, but he’d been unable to help himself once he’d realised that they weren’t being watched anymore. Alicante had no cameras and they’d placed a _Soundless_ rune on every wall, so this was about as discreet as they could get. It was enough for Jace, in any case, and he was more than ready to take advantage of the privacy they’d been provided with.

It had been a difficult day; Jace would be the first to admit that. They’d gone through far too many protocol-heavy situations for his taste and everyone had been exhausted enough to decide to call it a day once they’d left their last meeting and they had both come to the quiet agreement that coming back to the house would probably be the best course of action. No one would disturb them here and Jace was _tired_ of hiding. He wanted to show his parabatai just how much he appreciated everything he’d done today; had wanted to for hours now despite the scolding it had earned him so far.

“Jace!” His tone had been meant to be reproachful, but Alec was laughing; his cheeks flushed and his breathing still heavy from their kiss as Jace climbed into his lap and straddled his hips. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I'm just happy.” And proud and anxious and unsure about the future and a thousand other little things that Alec could, without doubt, catch through their bond, but it was happiness that ruled over all of them, especially at the sight of his parabatai’s radiant expression. “I can't believe you're actually going to take control. I mean. Of _course_ you will, you were born for this, but I didn't expect it to be so _soon_.”

“They aren't handing the entire Institute to me yet,” Alec tried to object, but the broad smile he couldn't quite hide was enough of a giveaway that he was just as excited by the news. It made Jace steal another quick kiss, unable to stop himself at the sight of the elation behind his parabatai’s otherwise collected demeanour. 

“They're never home anyway,” he waved him off, still not straying far from his lips. “You're in charge now.”

Jace thrust down against his parabatai to make sure he wouldn't miss the double entendre. His efforts didn't go to waste – Alec hissed and gripped him by the thighs, neatly shifting them around until Jace found himself pressed into the mattress, one of Alec’s hands creeping up his side and pushing his shirt up his chest.

“Am I?” Jace nodded; a quick, eager gesture that did nothing to hide his impatience. He arched off the bed to help along with Alec’s attempts at undressing him. “That doesn't mean that we get to do what we want, you know that, right? We still have to be careful.”

“Now?” Jace asked, staring up at his parabatai in disbelief as he sagged back down into the pillows and wrapped his arms around Alec’s neck to draw him closer. “You want to talk about this _now_?”

“It's as good a time as any,” Alec defended himself, but didn’t try to evade Jace’s affections. “It doesn’t matter what my new position is; the law is the law. Let's not be careless. I know that it's tempting to let your guard down, but—”

Unable to take it anymore, Jace kissed him and the rest of Alec's string of warnings was lost as he responded in kind. It was almost an instinct at this point, Jace suspected, for both of them; to react when the other one was close. It could become a problem one day, sometime soon, likely, because he found it increasingly difficult to stay away from his parabatai, but for now, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces and he pressed himself against Alec even more closely than before, desperate to feel the echoing need that usually flowed through their bond.

“We'll be careful,” he vowed on a gasp while Alec busied himself with taking his jeans off. His legs wrapped around him soon after and he closed his eyes, relishing in the skin to skin contact. “I'd never put you in danger on a whim, you _know_ I wouldn't.”

“I know,” Alec nodded. He seemed sincere, even if the flicker of worry in his eyes that he had seen before hadn't disappeared entirely. Knowing him, it likely never would, but it wasn’t like that was anything new – it was part of what made him _Alec_ , after all. “All I'm saying is that we need to keep ourselves in check. We can't afford to let this get out of control.”

“Of course not.” Their eyes met again a moment after Jace finally managed to get Alec out of his shirt and tossed it somewhere to the edge of the bed. “We'll be fine, you'll see. Once we get back to New York, we'll be as careful as you want to. But now, can we _please_ not do this?”

“Fine,” Alec relented, perhaps a touch less reluctantly than he would have wanted Jace to believe. He wanted this too. There was no denying the hunger in his eyes as he leant forward on his elbows until they were pressed impossibly closer; so close that Alec was blurry in front of him and all Jace could see was the glint in his eyes. “Have it your way.”

Jace grinned and leant in to kiss him again, sharp and thorough and enough to make his parabatai groan against his lips as he ground down against his body. It felt impossibly good and neither of them could get enough of it; the sensation quickly becoming one they chased desperately whenever possible. “That’s what I like to hear.”

“I intend to hold you up to that.” The words were heavy with a promise that almost had Jace trembling and he let himself relax in Alec’s hands all too readily. _I really hope you do_.

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The Guard would have been nearly empty this early into the morning on any other day, but it was bordering on crowded now. If he had tried to distance himself from the situation, Jace would have understood: no one had held a parabatai trial in decades and the last time more than one person had been deruned at once had been during the Uprising. He wasn’t really trying very hard, though, and the onlookers were starting to get on his nerves even before they were brought to the place where their sentence would be carried out. Alec was feeling like a caged animal too and everything in Jace longed to reach out to him, try and comfort him, no matter how pointless it would be – their guards would just reprimand them again for it and the last thing they needed right now was even more pain.

Once they arrived to the Hall of the Angel, everything started to blur in front of Jace’s eyes – the faces, some of them unknown and some familiar, their loved ones, called to the very front seats to witness the process up close, even the Silent Brothers on the edge of the hall that approached as he and Alec were pushed to their knees. It was the stress, he thought faintly, it had finally managed to become too much and he couldn’t find it in himself to be bothered by it; not when it lessened the terror reigning inside him.

It all came back in full force when Inquisitor Branwell stepped closer. He had taken the position just a few days after Imogen’s death and had been trying to prove himself ever since, not entirely successfully. Jace supposed that his hesitation wasn’t unfounded – the man’s predecessor had been killed by a vengeful relative of an exiled Circle member, after all – but he rather wished that he’d decided to test his iron fist on someone who wasn’t Alec.

If his grandmother had still been alive, thing could have been different. She wouldn’t have even _thought_ of letting them go unpunished, but she would have done her best to soften the blow somehow, in the name of Jace’s father if nothing else. Just the thought was enough to make his heart clench, but he pushed it to the back of his mind before it had had the chance to consume him. The war was over now, had been over for nearly two years, and everything in the world was still heavy with the loss of everything the war in question had dragged down with itself.

As it was, all he could really do was brace himself as Peter Branwell cleared his throat.

“Jonathan Herondale, Alexander Lightwood,” he spoke and Jace had to strain his neck up to be able to look at anything but the Inquisitor’s shoes. “You stand accused of breaking the Law under which your parabatai bond was formed by committing the sin of _Eros_. If found guilty, you will be stripped of your runes and exiled. If you have anything to say in your defence, do it now.”

Silence. This wasn’t a trial, not really; no parabatai pair had ever been given a full, fair trial and a chance to save themselves after breaking one of the most fundamental laws of their society. It wouldn’t have mattered either way – there was nothing either of them could say that could help them at this point – and the Inquisitor was well aware of that. He was also growing impatient, which was a small mercy. It would _finally_ be over, once and for all.

“How do you plead?”

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**Three months ago, the City of Bones**

“When did this— relationship start?”

Silence. All Jace could hear was the even, maddening tapping of water on the hard floor several cells to his right and the sizzling of the Soul Sword as Alec tried to bite the truth back. They hadn’t been allowed to be present during each other’s questioning, but only hearing it was somehow that much worse.

“Eight years ago,” Alec said at last. Even if he didn’t know his parabatai’s voice quite so well, Jace would have still been able to tell that the answer was forced out of him by the dull ache in his own hands. It was so _exhausting_ , to try and keep the hurt trapped between the two of them, but it had been happening ever since they’d got arrested – they weren’t allowed iratzes, _especially_ from one another – and it had become yet another thing piling up on the seemingly endless heap of punishment they would have to endure before their official sentence as even mentioned.

There was the rustling of paper and then, “Eight years ago? That would be about two years before the parabatai ceremony was held, is that correct?”

Despite his best efforts to remain neutral, there was incredulousness creeping into the Inquisitor’s tone and Jace almost managed a smile. It was the _arrogance_ of their decision that had shocked everyone they’d talked to so far much more than the crime itself and it was only natural: no one would have expected them to even dare to try anything like this.

“That is correct.” Alec sounded steadier now, the same edge of dark amusement that Jace felt echoing in his words too.

“I— _Why_?” Branwell had lost his composure for a moment, it seemed.

“We researched the topic.” Once he had started speaking, the confessions poured out of Alec and it was just as well – this was being recorded and it felt inordinately good to let the Shadow World know what things were really like, even if the two of them would have to suffer for it anyway. “We could find no proof of anything going wrong aside from Clave intervention. It made us think that we could be stronger and more efficient that way, and we were right.”

“For how long?” There was no denying the curiosity behind the question and a sliver of hope raised its head somewhere deep in Jace’s mind before he’d managed to squash it down. “For how long did your theory hold true before you felt any difference?”

“We never felt any difference.” Alec sounded a tad confused and Jace could sympathise – he hadn’t expected the detour into scientific territory either. “Mr Inquisitor, by the time we said our vows, we were already—”

“In an intimate relationship, yes.” The sound of the Inquisitor’s footsteps echoed in the corridor as he neared Alec just a little more. “But that’s not what you’re on trial for, Mr Lightwood. Could you say you were in love with Jonathan Herondale by the time the bond was formed?”

“I might have been.”

The Inquisitor huffed, clearly irritated. The Sword tended to demand concrete answers, but it valued the truth above everything else, even if it couldn’t get the information the man wanted that way. “And what about your parabatai?”

“You would have to ask _him_.” Jace had gone through his questioning already, but they hadn’t given them the chance to be alone in the meantime.

“I did,” the Inquisitor said. Jace could almost hear the eagerness to be done with this in his voice and it was as close as it could get to an encouragement to get this over with as quickly as possible. “And he said yes. He said the same when I asked him if he felt the same way now. Do you?” Silence again, accompanied by the whirlwind of defiance and pain that hit Jace through the bond a moment later. Branwell sighed. “ _Please_ , Mr Lightwood, let’s not make this more difficult than it needs to be. It’s a simple enough question.”

Ever since the moment he’d been taken away from his parabatai in the night of their arrest, Jace had felt the anger inside him build up. It was a helpless kind of rage; something he bit back and tried to keep on a tight leash lest it got out from under his control in the worst possible moment. He had endured a lot since then – his fellow soldiers’s pity and Penrose’s mockery and the endless, inescapable whispering of the Silent Brothers in his head when one of them came to give them the latest news around their case – but this was still the closest he had been to snapping.

The Inquisitor still treated this – _them_ – like nothing but an inconvenience; a minor nuisance that kept disturbing his schedule. He’d never realised just how many things his _simple questions_ would change or how their lives would be affected and he didn’t particularly want to, either, clearly content with his attempts to be done with a trial that had carried on for far too long already.

If Alec felt the same – and Jace couldn’t really tell any longer with the mess of emotions between them being as strong as it was – he didn’t let it show. “Yes.”

It would have changed nothing if he had lied, of course, even if he had managed it somehow. They were in too deep by now. He had still _tried_ , though, and it was beyond evident in the strain in his voice. Not to the Inquisitor, though – he had either not noticed or hadn’t cared enough to stop with what he’d apparently meant to say all along.

“You see, _this_ is what we’re trying to prevent when advising newly bonded pairs against any— arrangements they might decide to make between themselves. Not only does it show a complete lack of respect for the Law, but it goes too far too often, and _that_ ’s when it gets out of your control.”

“We have everything under control,” Alec protested and Jace winced at the new surge of pain. The Sword didn’t like it when someone spoke out of turn; they had learnt this the hard way recently. “Nothing’s changed. Our bond is as strong and as stable as ever and it’s working the way it’s supposed to. We haven’t done anything—”

“You’ve broken the law your bond is built on!” Branwell’s façade had finally cracked and the dull twinge of satisfaction that Jace felt at the sound of it shattering was nowhere near as gratifying as he had hoped it would be. “I will _not_ let you test the limits of that law any longer if that’s what you intend to do. How do you plead?”

There was only one response to that. Rumour had it that the Sword could be lied to in theory and they had done it once or twice, but it never worked with straightforward questions and that was all they had left. Alec’s answer, expected as it was, still rang in the empty corridor with enough finality to make Jace rest his head against the wall of his cell and try to send every ounce of comfort he could find in his parabatai’s direction. It wasn’t enough.

“Guilty.”

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“Guilty,” Jace croaked, voice rough from the lack of use.

“Guilty,” Alec echoed. It had been their last chance to save themselves, but what could they do, really? They had told the truth already, every little bit of it, and there was no going back now. Once, when they had first been imprisoned, they would have both protested; Jace would have trashed against his restrictions and demanded to be listened to. Now, he just wanted it to be over, no matter what _over_ would mean and it wasn’t difficult to see that his parabatai shared that sentiment.

The Inquisitor stepped away and motioned the Silent Brothers to come closer. He didn’t stop them when they reached for one another and Jace sagged in his chains as his fingers finally intertwined with Alec’s, the simple comfort of the touch almost enough to make him cry. It was a matter of seconds before they would lose this just like they had everything else and he desperately wanted to cling to it for as long as he could.

The first touch of the stele against his skin was all the proof he needed that it wasn’t one of the ones he was used to. It _hurt_ way more than getting his first rune had and Jace cried out, fingers clawing at Alec’s in a fruitless attempt to stay silent.

It was the temporary runes first; ones that had mostly faded from the lack of use during their stay in the City of Bones. They were ripped away from him one by one and the feeling was only enhanced through their bond. Alec’s hand clutching his was keeping him grounded and yet making his distress even stronger as he realised that the very same thing would be inflicted upon his parabatai sooner rather than later.

It still couldn’t compare to the pain that came from the permanent runes.

First it was _Equilibrium_ and Jace hung his head down, biting his lip until he could feel it breaking under his teeth. There was blood this time around, dripping over his shoulders and down his chest to pool at his feet. It wasn’t just the rune magic deserting his body, but the skin that couldn’t take the pressure and he doubled over, grasping for Alec’s touch with even more urgency than before.

That was when his parabatai spoke.

“Jace,” he called out and Jace found it in himself to turn to the side and face him. Tension was written all over Alec’s face, his body instinctively curling in on itself, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. “Look at me.” Jace obliged, almost transfixed as everything started fading in the background once again – the Silent Brothers and their steles and even some of the pain he’d been trying to fight since the ritual had began. Alec was right _there_ , only a touch away, and their bond flickered between them, every bit of it frantic to keep the connection as strong as it was now. Jace had died once already, but _this_ was what death was really like, he thought now; a frenzied prayer for just one more moment. “Just hold on.” Alec’s voice was quiet, so quiet, but it was the only thing Jace could hear. He could still feel the tip of the stele tracing fire into his skin but it was almost insignificant now; paling in comparison to how powerfully his parabatai rune burned.

 _No one_ could take this away from them, he thought deliriously, not when they were already being punished, and Jace tugged furiously on his chains in an effort to get closer. Alec did the same, their minds in sync as always, until their foreheads were pressed together. It was like a balm for Jace’s soul and he tried to send the same in response as they relaxed into each other’s one-handed embrace.

They were leaving the worst one for last. Jace realised that as soon as Brother Zachariah moved on to Alec without deruning him completely. _Brother Zachariah_ , the man who had stood up for them even when the Inquisitor had voiced her doubts about authorising their parabatai ceremony and Jace nearly _screamed_ in his mind at the realisation, fully aware that the chance of being heard was miniscule and that no matter what Zachariah really wanted, he wouldn’t disobey the Inquisitor. _Don’t take him away, please, it’s just one rune, you must know what it feels like, you **told** me you lost your parabatai, **please** —_

The first jab to his parabatai rune made Alec cry out and Jace pressed that much closer against him even as the bond was pried out from his very core, his parabatai’s soul forcefully pulled out of him bit by bit until he was sure he wouldn’t be able to live through it. In any other case, that would have been _fine_ – he had no desire to keep going, apart from the one thing that kept him grounded – Alec wasn’t dead. He couldn’t leave him all on his own, not when he could tell that alone was all they were going to be from now on.

With his heart hammering against his ribcage and every atom of his being fighting against the violation, Jace held on to his parabatai, the world narrowing down to Alec’s eyes on him as everything finally went dark.

***

 _Alec_.

Jace’s first thought upon waking up wasn’t all that different from the last one he could remember. He got a response this time around, though, and he opened his eyes, startled. “He’s fine.”

Clary was sitting on the edge of the bed, one of her hands fidgeting with the covers and the other hastily wiping the tears away from her eyes when she caught him looking in her direction. Leaving her alone here was the last thing he wanted – he felt almost _responsible_ for dragging her into a world she hadn’t had the slightest clue about and while it was _her_ world, it still felt wrong to leave her to her own devices even now, years later when she had long since found her footing in it.

It was just more of the same feeling – more of the same _loss_ , a drop in the ocean of deep, profound loneliness that had taken over him as soon as the parabatai bond had been broken. Jace’s entire body was aching, all of his senses duller without the aid of runes, but it was nothing when compared to the chaos inside him. Nothing would ever be the same, but for the first time, as he looked to the side and saw Alec leaning against the bed frame in the infirmary bed next to his own and having a quiet conversation with Isabelle, he thought that maybe they would end up surviving this.

“Hey,” Alec said, the greeting nothing but a pained rasp. He reached in the space between their beds and Jace took his scarred hand in his own, trying to ignore the likely mirrored expression on his parabatai’s face – one of bone-deep disappointment as nothing changed after the touch.

He looked terrible, even if it wasn’t as bad as Jace would have expected – the red lines where his runes should have been still stood out far too much, but he didn’t seem to be in pain, at least on a surface level. Jace had no way of knowing any longer and the reminder was enough to bring back the same futile anger that had been taking over him for months now.

“Take this,” Isabelle said and Jace gingerly sat up in his bed, accepting the small tube she offered him. She looked about as out of sorts as Clary did, although she was still better in the art of appearing collected when she most definitely was _not_. “It’s not rune magic, but it’s the best any warlock in the city can do. It can heal you for the time being, but the wounds will still scar.”

“Thanks, Izzy.” Jace hadn’t had the chance to talk to her ever since they’d been arrested and he didn’t expect to get the chance to do so now – their time in the Institute was probably limited to the moment they were able to get to their feet. “I’m sorry,” he added, addressing no one in particular. The hospital wing was empty save for the four of them and they would never get another opportunity to talk again, so it was as close as he could get to saying everything on his mind. “I’m sorry, I never meant—”

“Shut up, Jace.” Alec’s voice was weary but significantly better than it had been just a minute ago. Izzy’s miracle cure at work, he supposed. They’d have to keep it, if they were allowed to – now that they couldn’t use healing runes, who could tell how long their injuries would take to heal? Just their angel blood wouldn’t be enough of an advantage. They had worked out everything else already, in the suspicion that it would come to this one day – Jace had transferred his entire inheritance into an account in a mundane bank months ago and Alec had been doing the same with his salary for quite a while, and they’d managed to acquire the documentation they would need to get around in the mundane world as well. For once, being paranoid had worked out in their favour and now that the worst of it was over, the prospect of living to tell the tale seemed much more inviting. “This is on both of us. It’s what we chose. We’ll have to live with it.”

“You make it sound so simple.” They still hadn’t let go of each other’s hands and for the first time in their lives, it was just this – a simple touch, light and free of any meaning and better than Jace had dared to imagine in the weeks leading up to this.

Alec’s smile, exhausted and genuine, had the very same effect. “Isn’t it?”

Yes, Jace decided as he intertwined his fingers with his parabatai’s. One day it would be.


End file.
